Conflicted, Angry, Confused...Hopeful.

"Who never doubted, never half-believed. Where doubt is, there truth is. It is her shadow." ~ Ambrose Bierce

With all of the unrest in the world, it's easy for the cynic in me to come crawling out.

When I hear of the senseless violence that is being carried out in other countries towards my brothers and sisters in Christ as well as others -- it only serves to bring feelings to the surface that go against my nature.

I mean, you hear that children are being murdered systematically by a rag-tag terrorist group, and you can't help but hope that God wipes out the guilty parties en masse. You can't help but hope for the death of the evil forces. And I don't like feeling that way. I don't like the fact that I long for the death of anyone, terrorist groups or anybody else for that matter. I'm a peace-loving hippie. I'm supposed to be the peacemaker. I always have been. These angry feelings go against the very essence of who I am.

Nevertheless, this is how I feel at the moment.

And then there's God. I believe that He is out there. I've placed my faith in Him. But I want Him to show up. When your children are being beheaded,  you're supposed to do something about that - and in a big way. It's the age old question: God, where are you? In times like these, I feel as though people are justified in asking that question. "God has a plan," they say. Okay. What plan is that? And why does it have to involve terrorism? God parted the Red Sea. He's performed all kinds of miracles. He can do anything he wants, really. I mean, this is God we are talking about. So, why can't he just snap his fingers and wipe these enemies out in an instant? "God has a plan". That's great, but that's an answer that's currently not good enough for me. I also do not believe that God is "allowing" these things to happen in order to "teach the world a lesson". I don't serve that kind of God. I wouldn't serve that kind of God. If you have to kill millions of your own children to teach the rest of us a lesson, well, that's horrifying in and of itself -- and that's simply not my God, the "for God so loved the world" God.

And yet...

I'm hopeful that He is going to work it all out, in His own way, in His own time. A peace came over me today. I don't know where it came from, so I can only assume that it came from God. I am hopeful that His grace is sufficient and that He takes care of His own.

I am hopeful, and because of this, I can move forward. There is a comfort in knowing that it is okay to ask God, "What in the hell is going on?" I know that he understands. He hears it from me quite often!

If you are out there and your faith has been shaken, know that you are not alone. Know that this is okay, and that He is okay with it. It is in these doubts and questions that we grow closer to God and to each other. It is in doubt that you find freedom. It is in doubt that truth is revealed.